Mumble, Mumble.....(Part 20)
Do you find sometimes that you hate your computer? I know that there are times that this one I'm using has been close to learning to fly! For those of you with Version 2 of Win 98 there is a classic example of computer rage in the Tools folder called How not to fix it.
Researchers would have us believe that we hate our computers because they are not courteous enough back to us. I don't know about you....but I certainly am never polite to my pute, nor do I expect a reply! So how does one treat a computer politely anyway? Do I sidle up to my beloved beast of a pc and smile at the monitor in a simpering manner and ask "Oh pleeeeese may I be seated in front of your divine self and stroke your fine keyboard?" "Oh computer of mine, could I bother you for a moment to find that .exe file I downloaded last night, that's if you have the time, oh magnificent one??" NOT BLOODY LIKELY. I've seen under it's bonnet and I know the colour of it's blood. I'm more inclined to give it a command and tell it to "go byte this!!" (complete with a rude gesture).
Still on the subject of computers...a British newsagency has created a virtual-reality newsreader. She is modelled on a cross between Kylie Minogue and Posh Spice and will (without fatigue or overtime payments) read the news 24 hours a day. When they've ironed out all the bugs (well she is a program after all), she'll be let loose on mobile and digital services.
A virtual newsreader may feel no pain, but neither did a Polish woman who was shocked to find out via a mammogram that she had four sewing needles embedded in her breast. She had been a seamstress for years and had a habit of sticking pins in the top of her apron. Most people use a voodoo doll, but maybe she decided to cut out the middleman.
The funniest newspaper article that I read this month involved an Italian man who rang a telephone sex number and found his wife at the other end of the phone. She had secretly bought a mobile phone and advertised on late night television as a willing housewife, he, watching the ad, decided to ring from the phone in the living room and she answered from upstairs.
So how do you dampen your husband's desires? Feed him licorice every day! Believe it or not, an Italian study has revealed that eating a few grams of licorice per day can lower men's testosterone levels to almost half. So if you suspect him of having an affair, buy the licorice and just keep offering it!