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On the Wonders of Travel

Sometimes I dream of the heady rush of the wind in my jowls, my fur flying in the wind, as I lean dangerously, perilously, forward from the back of a ute. I can hear myself bark..."I'm the King of the World!!" 

But unfortunately, the reality is me inside the humans vehicle, head down, (and oh so embarrassing..) bringing up every meal I ever ate.   Which begs the question.. why do the humans insist on dragging me into the car once a year?

Beware the Vet

This is another human word I know and one every dog should listen for. If you can figure it out quick enough, you'll have enough time to hide under the human pups bed, or down in the garden where they'll never find you. 

They do unspeakable things to dogs (and other animals) in that place. Here's a hint for all you pups out'll know where you are when you go there, the first thing you smell IS THE FEAR!!!!  And whatever you do..DON'T STAND UP! The minute you do they'll stick a hard thing up the old 'hyber-pass', such an indignity shouldn't happen to our proud race.  The next thing that happens isn't so bad, they'll shorten those annoying claws.  But I think they could control the insects a little better, I always get stung on the flank before I get out of there (maybe I should roll in a little fresh cow manure before I go in to deter the little buggers).

On human desertion

You know I really do love my humans, but there are times when they really stretch the limit...for instance some time ago they took me to this place with other dogs AND THEY LEFT ME THERE!  Yeah, well, they did come and get me some time later, but how could they do this to me?

The conditions were warm fire to lie in front of, no sleeping platform to laze around on in day when the humans weren't watching, no scraps of food under a table and no soft couch to laze on the rest of the time.   There was just (cringe) cages all in a row.  As I was led past a large Rotty, I swear I heard him pucker up and blow me a kiss with an ugly leer!  Luckily I was in a cell next to a couple of chatty canines and we swapped tales of life in general while we did our time in hell. 

The food as you can expect wasn't up to my standards either, but I guess when you're doin' time, ya gotta do it tough. 

I certainly learnt a thing or two and made some lifelong buddies, but when my time was up and the humans came to collect me, I was ready to be the best dog on the block to avoid this punishment again.

I don't know why I got that tattoo though... the fur's grown over it already!