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On human hygiene

As usual the humans continue to amaze me....I've watched them for ten years now and I still can't figure out how they clean themselves.

If you look closely they have some serious design faults. For instance, their tongues are too small and most of the time not nearly furry enough to tackle the grungy daggy bits that end up you-know-where. They can't even reach their noses to lick off that green stuff and they miss out on all those wondrous flavours that your coat can pick up on any given day in the yard. I've seen the younger ones cleaning themselves after eating so I've come to the conclusion that they lose the ability to lick as they get older (or are they practising in private?)

Mind you they do have a disgusting habit.....they fill up the big pond in the wet room....AND THEY SIT IN IT!!! My mistress even stands in a tiny kennel and lets the water run all over her! Actually I like it when she stops the water because if I'm quick enough I can run in there and lick up the fresh stuff (saves going outside). Which leads me to the next topic....

On body wastes

It has taken me many years, but I have finally developed the ultimate staying power.... the power to expand my kidneys to amazing proportions. This power is worth developing if you are an indoor dog. When the weather is wet, very hot or you are just plain comfortable on that soft bed there's no need to move yourself to go outside.

The opposite power is one many dogs have mastered...the Art of Many Urinations. Practice for this art begins as a pup. When your master takes you for a walk, cock a leg at every available tree, post or bin. It may take a while, but you'll be amazed at how quick you'll be letting loose a good stream even at the end of the walk...it's all about pacing yourself. My best record is fifteen.

Something still worries me about the grown humans...they take food in, but I haven't seen them squat yet?!!! Amazing creatures. I've tried teaching them how, every day I make sure I leave a couple of good size droppings on the garden, just to let them know the proper routine should they ever need it, but they are too dumb to work it out, my mistress just makes funny faces each morning as she cleans it up. How can I possibly get through to these humans?