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THE WIT & WISDOM OF RASTA THE WONDERDOG....PART 7

ON MAINTAINING ONE'S STATURE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

This is a tricky one and involves a lot of barking and puffing up of the fur. The easy way out however, is to wait until the humans close all exits and then when another rival trots past leading it's owner, you can be as ferocious as you like without having to prove it. I once perfected this routine by visiting the house next door, barking at a rival, then making a mad dash through their open front door, out the back, over their fence, into my yard whereby I commenced the most convincing part of the act through the fence. I'm sure my humans and the neighbour humans were impressed because they all shook their heads with pride!!

ON GROOMING

Your body, my dear fellow canines, is your temple, and your coat is your pride and joy. If you want to catch the eye of that elusive bitch down the road, you have to look after it.

Remember, ALWAYS find the smelliest pile of rotting animal that you can. This is where you get the best doggy perfumes. Lay down and roll as long as you can, making sure you cover every part of your coat in that delicious odourous muck. The trickiest part of this beauty routine is avoiding the humans. Beware! If they find it on you they get extremely jealous and try to clean it off so they can smell the most instead of you.

The etiquette of grooming is as follows:

  1. always lick your private parts in public (this shows off your prowess in the yoga field),
  2. groom on a suitable platform e.g. the human bed at night, this lets your humans know that you are trying to look your best
  3. groom for as long as possible, again on the human bed at night, or on the seating next to them while they are watching the picture box.

If you're real smart you'll harrass the mistress long enough and she'll get the hint and get the spikey thing down and give you the most wonderful massage.

Remember canines HAVE FUR PRIDE!

ON SCRATCHING THAT ITCH

A few of the rules of grooming also apply to this subject (see 2 and 3 above). If you've got that itch scratch it well, one hint though....if you have to drag your backside along the ground to complete the job, don't do it in front of the humans. They'll shove yukky round things down your throat!

Mistress's Note: Rasta is not letting on that he is too fat now to jump 4ft fences, let alone lick his own bum!