|Home||How to do PC Maintenance
Hit all the exit buttons you can find.
When you come to the pretty picture on the main screen, press the START button (no, it doesnt make sense, but JUST DO IT ANYWAY!)
Tell the useless machine that Yes, I really do want to look at something else besides you and then wait for Bill to give his permission for you to turn off the bloody thing.
Pull out all the electricity plugs to really show the pc that youre serious.
Excavate the pile of cups, mugs, cans, plates, empty chip packets and applecores so that you can see the workstation area.
Get out a damp cloth and wipe everything that doesnt move, including the dog asleep under the desk and any feral sticky-fingered kid within a 12foot radius. If you find the printer under the pile of magazines and stuff, give it a wipe too.
Insert a hair pin in the hole in the CD-ROM drive door and gently pull it open so you have somewhere to stick your cup of coffee while you check the connections.
Grab the vacuum and poke it into most of the available crevices, while youre at it, vac the excess hairs off the now comatose dog still sleeping under the desk.
Because the dog has woken with a hell of a start, his paws have caught in every conceivable cable lead you have hooked up to your pc and now you really do have to check it all out.
This is where you put your latent skills as a contortionist to use stand on one leg, put one knee on the desk, swivel your hips sideways (if its right, it should look like a position from the Kama Sutra) Now you are ready to reach beyond the realm of the unknown into the nether regions of your pcs backside. If your head is wedged on a 90 deg angle in between the top shelf, the wall, the monitor and the tower you are in the right place to reach the plugs hanging out of the pcs rear.
Pull out every plug you can find, by now you have realised that you need that dinky little set of screwdrivers that some skinflint gave you for Christmas, so you simultaneously hit the top shelf, monitor and tower on your way out.
With tools in hand you assume the position once more and venture again into the bowels as such.
Good youve removed all the plugs and given them a good blow until youre suffering oxygen deprivation. As the dust is flying you realise too late that you are going to sneeze in the biggest way possible. You scream as the corner of the tower penetrates your eye socket and produces a wonderful black eye.
When you finally regain your sight you decide that its time to plug everything back in again. Alas! You cant remember what went where and from this angle in the dark recesses you cant read the eeny weeny writing that tells you where it all belongs. So you throw caution to the wind and hope you dont plug the printer cable into the SCSII card socket.
Finally, out of the kama sutra position, you decide to make changes to the immediate environment to ensure that you dont have to go through this routine often.
You grab the hair clippers and give the dog a number two hair cut.
You tape the children to the floor on a weekly basis so that they cant post any more pop-tarts in the disk drive.
As a backup measure you rig up an electrical zap for anyone brave enough to approach your pc desk area.
You install a three stage shower process akin to isolation wards so that all visitors to the room are lint/dust/germ free.
So finally youre ready to turn the wee beastie back on. Balancing the ice pack on your sore eye you shakily reach forward and push the POWER button. No response. After an hour of squinting one-eyed at all your manuals you reach for the phone and ring the help line.
Youve been on hold listening to poor quality midi music for roughly an hour when a guru answers your call, and then you hear the most embarrassing advice youve had all year "I suggest that you plug in your power leads".
You plug the unit in, hit the POWER button again and breathe a sigh of relief as the pretty picture loads successfully and Bill smiles a little more as he welcomes your money once again into his wallet.