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On Respect:  

You know, dogs of our age have a hard time keeping our humans reminded that we of the Autumn years need and deserve special attention.  For instance, when I need to go outside to attend to the art of many urinations, whether it be in the middle of the night or day, my owners should jump to attention.   I just don't know where I've gone wrong with my training of them, because the other night I had to walk up and down the hallway at least a dozen times to wake someone. I even threw in a few heavy sighs.  What's the matter with these humans, can't they see in the dark?!

On the art of being invisible:

When you get to my age you learn a great many things to do with the Way of the Bone.  One of them is the ability to bend space and light to make yourself invisible.  

Now listen up you young pups this is important...when the humans pick up metal things that jangle, its the signal that they are planning to go out, and you know what that usually means...that's right, outside for us.  Now that's fine if you like a run, but if you don't you'll have to learn the art of invisibility.  

First, when you hear those metal noises, whatever you do, DO NOT MOVE A MUSCLE, don't even twitch an eyelid.  One move and the humans will see you again.    Remain in the invisible mode until you are sure they have locked the door and then you can relax again.  This will work 80% of the time, I still haven't figured out why sometimes the humans can see through the cloak of invisibility, but it must have something to do with the temperature outside.

On earning your wages:

If your not working cattle or sheep you'll need this advice.  Us domestic canines must always remind the humans how necessary we are. (It makes the humans appreciate us more).

First step is to get together with all your neighbourhood buddies and hatch THE plan.  It goes like this...have them slip the leash occasionally and visit your yard (always when the humans can see).  Wait until the humans say "Sick em....." and then run out and bark like mad at your mate.  He/she has to make it look authentic by running as fast as possible, though there is no need to tuck the tail between the legs.  

Another plan is to get your mates to run to the gates and bark like mad when your human takes you for a walk, then you can strain at the leash a little and bark just to look good.

One word of caution though, if a strange human is lifting human stuff out of windows, don't hold the torch for him.  My humans still haven't forgiven me for that one.